One night, I was sitting in the TV room looking at my all-time-favorite-I-never- missed program, when in

walked this ravishing Black goddess. I almost died. Never before had I been so physically attracted to a person and especially never to a woman! My palms began to sweat, my heart was throbbing, and I was slightly dizzy. "God, what is happening to me, I thought. "I must be sick-- pneumonia or something. Well, this woman just sauntered right in, smiled, and sat right next to me. I could feel her body heat being transferred to my body. Although she had just showered and washed her hair, I could smell her delightful aroma. I was slightly intoxicated by her nearness. I dared not to leave the room, because I was certain. that my legs would fail me. Anyway, I wanted to be near this woman.

During the commercial, we chatted about trivial things; basically, I just listened to her sweet voice and drank in her lovely face. It occurred to me that I wanted to take this woman into my arms, hold her gently, and kiss her passionately. "The flu is going around, I thought, "I've caught it and am delirious with fever: I can't be attracted to a woman; on fire with desire for her. This isn't right...but, oh, it feels so right, and so good!"

I sneaked a good look at this woman out of the corner of my eye. Her hair was still damp and hung in ringlets around her neck and shoulders. I longed to twine my fingers in her hair...to bury my nose and mouth in it...to kiss her neck where that little vein throbbed. Her lips, which were full and moist reminded of blackberries. I longed to kiss them gently...to run my tongue around them...to explore the treasure hidden within. My eyes dropped to her breast and oh, shock of all shocks, she wasn't wearing a bra! Her breasts were dark and firm and her nipples were erect. longed to massage them gently...to kiss those buds of joy until... But, oh, the TV program was off and she was getting up to leave. With a cheery "goodnight," she left. I waited for a few minutes to regain my composure before leaving.

After I left the TV room, I hurried to my room, locked the door and climbed into bed. All that I could think of was the woman that I had just left. She was in my mind and I couldn't get her out. I could still smell her, see her face, her lips, her breast...

I was burning with a new desire, a passion that had to be released. I moved my hand slowly down my stomach and past my pubic hairs. My fingers encountered a After lubricating my

warm wetness. finger in this nectar, I began, slowly, to massage my clitoris. At the same time I began, in my mind, to kiss the lips of the woman that I had just seen. She responded ardently. I moved my mouth to her neck and lightly licked that throbbing vein. She was blowing hot, wet air into my ear...I trembled with passion. With urgent fingers, she turned my lips back to hers. We kissed a long, wet time, trading tongues--rubbing bodies. While we were kissing, she slid her hand down to my clitoris and began to massage me very gently. I felt a warm glow spread over my body and with a quiet, sweet release, I came. I was eighteen years old and it was the first time that I had masturbated.

Watching TV took on a new meaning for me. It was her favorite past-time too; since no one else seemed to like 'our' TV program that much, we were always alone. That was good because all that I could do was sit there, stare at the screen, and enjoy being near the woman that I lusted for. After that, I would go back to my room and masturbate.

After about a month, I began to wonder if masturbating once a week was too much. After all, everybody knows that people go blind from masturbating. But, I didn't have to worry too long because the next TV night, my fantasy lover announced that she was engaged to be married. I was crushed.

This

incident was the catalyst to my coming to terms with my sexuality. I began to realize that I was only comfortable around women and that I was not attracted to men. For the first time I thought seriously about lesbianism. But there was no one to talk to or to confide in. Soon, the enormity of the situation got to be too much for me to handle. I decided to forget about anything to do with my sexuality and concentrate on my studies.

To be concluded...

October/November issue

I was born the year of the Brown vs. the Board of Education decision; supposedly a time of change in the South. Although I now reside in the San Fracisco- Bay Area, I grew up in rural Louisiana. My writings reflect that time, that period, that place.

Mayrann Turner